


poetry 1

by wordsturnintostories (WingTaken)



Series: [ poetry ] [1]
Category: No Fandom
Genre: English, Gen, German, Poetry, both in there, but still, it's just rambling basically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:07:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22019866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingTaken/pseuds/wordsturnintostories
Summary: poetry regarding myself ✨
Series: [ poetry ] [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1584937
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. before you realize

but what can you do  
when your thoughts race

when they’re gone  
before you realize

your heart’s beat  
is the marching sound  
of your mind

_\- jan 16, 2018 -_


	2. bergab

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is in german. haven't written something in german for a long time, wow.

**_wir fahren ins dunkle,  
sogar in den regen  
sicher, zumindest noch  
das dumme ist nur,  
wir haben den weg vergessen  
es gibt kein ziel  
die linien auf dem asphalt  
verschwimmen  
unsere reifen rutschen  
wir schlittern  
durch die leitplanken  
die uns nicht leiten konnten  
und während der hang  
zu unserem verhängnis wird,  
realisieren wir,  
wir sind durch ein loch gefallen,  
ein wurmloch vielleicht  
denn keine polizei wird kommen  
kein abschleppwagen  
alles selbstverschuldung  
dabei hatten wir  
den gelben schildern vertraut  
umleitung, umleitung, fehlleitung  
unkartografierter bereich  
wir sind im nirgendwo  
stecken in der pampa  
der realität  
und immer noch  
fällt kein wort  
zu viele schranken,  
vorfahrt gewähren  
aber niemand kommt  
wir warten  
bis wir zerfallen  
bis die vögel unsere überreste wegpicken  
wir sind ein bisschen dumm  
vielleicht  
wir hatten uns nicht angeschnallt  
und jetzt ist alles vorbei  
die lichtmaschine gibt den geist auf  
gleichzeitig mit allen mitfahrern  
der kofferraum klemmt,  
wir werden unser gepäck wohl niemals  
loswerden  
aber das macht nichts,   
denke ich  
dutzende glasscherben in meinem hals  
ich bewege mich einfach nicht  
alles wie immer  
ich kann nicht sprechen,  
habe mein gefühl verloren,  
körper und seele taub  
mein blut ist klebrig  
aber ich gebe es gerne her  
freiheit ist ausbruch aus dem system  
zirkulation ist repetition  
und ich denke,   
am ende wäre ein ende schön  
nach den endlosen kreisen,  
die wir gefahren sind_ **

**_vielleicht ist jetzt alles vorbei  
ein letzter schmerz  
und einer von uns geht  
vielleicht ist jetzt endlich zeit  
ein schicksalsschlag  
ein wink mit dem zaunpfahl  
_ **

**_ich denke,  
es ist okay  
du hast meinen jeden atemzug  
zu einer entscheidung gemacht  
und ich habe alle deine gedanken  
zu einem see aus fragen gelenkt  
wir beide falsch,  
glaube ich_ **

**_ich wünsche dir das beste,  
während ich meinen müden körper  
aus dem zerborstenen fenster hieve  
tausend wunden,  
deine hand nähert sich meiner wange,  
um mich zu streicheln  
es gibt keinen teil meines seins,  
der nicht vor schmerzen schreit  
doch kein laut kommt über meine lippen  
ich weine später,  
in meiner alleinheit,  
wenn im dunkeln nur die sterne  
meine tränen sehen können_ **

**_ich werde heilen  
ohne dich  
vergiss mich nicht  
behalte meine bumper stickers  
auf deinem wagen  
im nirgendwo_ **

_-oct/24/2018-_


	3. the letter

_**i feast on your words,  
insatiable, no patience,  
and sigh  
when the quiet sets in  
after your last word  
and booms in my ears** _

_**beauty,  
i realize,  
beauty is the essence  
of your simple gesture** _

_**a thousand tiny penstrokes  
complete my day,  
create the magic  
that calls the laughter from  
deep inside my chest  
to the surface** _

_**something like this  
i haven’t felt  
in a long time  
it is magic  
your magic in my hands** _

_-some long time ago-_   
  



	4. too much or not enough

_**with 21 years  
i’ve seen too much  
and not enough** _

_**and sometimes  
i wonder;  
all the people  
with more years  
how do they not get bored  
of the grey mist  
in the air  
on the faces  
do they never feel  
the burn  
to do something else  
** _

_**and i forget  
that not everyone  
likes words  
like i do  
not everyone  
can carve them  
into a marble David  
and i feel lonely** _

_**and even though  
i smile  
people don’t respond  
don’t care  
then i wonder  
whether they have seen too much  
or not enough** _

_-dec/06/2019-_


	5. waves.

_감사합니다, 김남준! 울었어요._

* * *

_**a new song  
one click, one second to load  
one ton of anticipation  
in my chest  
along with a new beat  
aligning with my heart** _

_**i swear  
i fall into an ocean  
sound waves  
aren’t called waves   
for nothing  
they carry me  
out into the deep waters  
where people can’t swim  
a private place  
where it’s dark below,  
where i hide  
pain and sorrow** _

_**where it can bubble up  
and people won’t see** _

_moonchild, **you say,**_   
_don’t cry_   
**_but you’re too late_  
 _it’s your chorus_  
 _but your voice_  
 _beckoned my tears_  
 _before your chorus_  
 _it’s a good thing_  
 _people keep their distance_  
 _only my family touches my tears_  
 _salty and deep_  
 _the deep sea their well_  
 _my eyes just channels_  
 _they taste like eternity_  
 _full of endlessness_ **

**_my heart extends_  
 _like an exploding star_  
 _as i stand back on the shore_  
 _sand between my toes_  
 _your brilliant playlist_  
 _on the gentle breeze_ **   
_seoul, **you say,**_   
_i love you, i hate you seoul_   
**_i’ve never been there_  
 _but i know what you mean_  
 _the ambiguity_  
 _of being_  
 _the pain_  
 _of living_ **

_forever rain  
 **and i wonder**  
 **if that’s what i believe**  
 **but then again**  
 **i miss things**  
 **i haven’t had**  
 **and dream lives**  
 **i won’t have**  
 **and know those friends**  
 **on the window glass**  
 **black and white,** mono  
 **just like the pyramids**  
 **of waves around me**  
 **water, endless ocean**  
 **it’s all i need**  
 **if it’s your sound waves**  
 **i can drown in**_

_**thank you**  
 **for the stars**  
 **in my mind**  
 **for the ache**  
 **in my heart**  
 **for the tears**  
 **on my cheeks,**  
kim namjoon_

_\- 25.10.18 -_


	6. what is a word

_**what is a word  
hanging from my lips  
** _

_**is it the same  
when yours catch it?** _

  
_\- nov 26, 2017 -_


	7. winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, 2018 was a tough year

fall turns to winter  
with an iciness in the air  
i feel it in my bones,  
in my mind  
while i try to enjoy the view  
from my windowsill

the dark season,  
it’s here  
i walk back home  
with my jacket open  
so that my body  
will finally feel warm again  
once i step through our door

all the shiny, blinking lights  
christmas is coming,  
yeah, and after that,  
christmas is going  
and then,  
everything’s the same

 _Enttäuschung_ means  
the _Täuschung_ disappears  
and leaves an empty space

we don’t have a fireplace

_\- dec1, 2018 -_


	8. i think about you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick German lesson  
> Herz /hɛʁts/ - heart  
> Schmerz /ʃmɛʁts/ - hurt/pain  
> Scherz /ʃɛʁt͡s/ - joke (sometimes negative)

i think about you

i think so hard

my head's gonna explode

maybe

maybe not

you're closing the door behind you

you'll be gone soon

you wanted my heart

but there was a language barrier

my dreams are in English

just like my breaths, my sighs

heart sounds like art

and art is a key to my soul

but you're German

you don't understand

because _Herz_ rhymes

only with _Schmerz_

and _Scherz_

and i don't want those things

even so,

i see them in the mirror

clawing into my back

just like you, sneaky

you don't approach from the front

my head hurts from turning

and suddenly

i realize

i'm not afraid

of letting you go

my life slips out of your hands

like expensive silk

i was made for royalty

i will live in opulence

a crown awaits me

there's too much ahead

to hold back

i'm not sorry

i just hope you are

\- 10/10/19 -


	9. daisies raining down

you walk past  
my head falls into my hands  
my thin walls,  
the hallway,  
it's out puffer zone,  
the trench  
in the battlefield  
all because  
our talks are void  
fake smiling,  
broken relationship  
no trust, i guess  
date of reconciliation  
_not available in your region_

all because you scream (yell)  
at my mum  
when you assume  
when you assume  
we can't hear  
all because you rage on  
being the man in the house  
and the hole in our lives

 _everything was better back then,_  
old people say  
and me, I guess  
back then  
when i just didn't know  
maybe back then  
you couldn't say the things  
that you say now  
because  
the cancer was choking her

i love you,  
i really do,  
but i just wanna  
get out of your way  
because i can't unhear

all because you yell  
at my mum  
when you assume  
when you assume  
we are asleep  
  
all because you drive deeper  
into the dark waters  
digging trenches into our souls

i'm losing a war  
i'm not even fighting  
so i pretend the bombs  
dropping left and right  
are daisies raining down  
until life is a fantasy  
i which i won't die

\- august 23, 2018 -


	10. i'll say it tomorrow

i feel cold  
now that the tears are gone  
here, in the dark,  
in my bed  
where you can't see  
a) me  
b) my shivering body  
c) my shattering soul

only i get to hear  
when the pieces  
clash against the floor  
over another couple's issues

words can kill,  
your tongue is a sword  
well, i'm a witness  
with survivor's guilt  
i got PTSD  
just from hearing the battle  
 _there were just two victims,_  
the news explained  
but i died, too  
and my sibling's bodies  
are cold

what about us?  
maybe we lie buried  
in the rubble  
while those two bodies  
are being lowered  
into their graves  
dead forever

i feel cold  
now that the ink is on the paper  
here, in the dark,  
under my blanket  
where you can't feel  
a) my numbness  
b) my confused mind  
c) my trembling spirit

"Dear diary,  
I cried today,  
I felt numb today,  
I just collapsed today.

It seems like some forevers  
might not be as long as others.

I said "I'm fine" today,  
and I'll say it tomorrow."

\- august 23, 2018 -


	11. hey Mama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by J-Hope's "Mama" - from back when i heard it the first time
> 
> (I'll let you know this was a very tough time)

hey Mama,  
this is just to let you know  
thanks for raising me

I don't know what to give you  
other than my words  
which is all I have to give  
there's things you don't know  
unspoken facts  
I never told anyone

i see the stressed look on your face  
your wall is laughter  
so i say to myself,  
don't be a burden  
don't ask for the nice things  
just take what you are given  
live quietly  
for yourself  
so when my birthday comes around  
and i need to write my wishes  
the pen shivers on the paper  
one word and i give up  
"I'm the oldest," i think,  
"I'll just let myself suffocate,  
become fertilizer  
so the others can grow."

It's not difficult,  
to wither,  
even in the blossom of your life,  
I do it every day;  
I could never be  
as great as you, Mama  
a pure star  
in the night sky

You're not tall  
but you're like Napoleon,  
a conqueror  
for your children -  
bless them

hey Mama,  
did you know  
I make the tiny issues  
and turn them into  
the greatest in my life  
how pathetic, right?  
It's just  
so you have time  
to worry about the others  
I'll be fine  
broken, but fine  
leave me behind  
a sacrifice for fortunate winds  
on your journey

so i fade  
background noise  
maybe i can see my face  
beneath the water's surface now  
can you believe I held on  
for so long  
maybe if i die,  
my body will dissipate into words  
hit me,   
and you'll hear a shallow cur  
break me,  
and you'll drown in my words

so this is all I can give to you  
it's not much, but  
thank you, Mama  
for still wanting  
to give the world to me  
like you did 20 years ago  
I don't know if I'm worth that much,  
Mama,  
let me just admire you  
from the first row  
in the darkness

_\- sept 17, 2018 -_


	12. Chapter 12

what a strange man  
walking around the beach  
sitting in a cafe chair  
with a book  
seeking attention silently

i see him walking into a house  
sullen  
it's not a home,  
just a place  
filled with people  
they're not family,  
just humans  
oblivious  
i can't believe he doesn't notice

so many things  
stopped making sense  
by the flick of his wrist  
the blink of his eye  
the pull of his breath  
it's unfair  
that he doesn't know

the living ruins  
the burning askes  
the clinging shards  
are all his fault

but if he did know  
you see,  
that's the real deal  
because no one knows  
what would happen  
if he knew

it's like jumping into a wild stream  
you could die by impact  
by drowning  
by being thrown under  
and hitting your head on a rock  
or you could just fall unconscious  
or be swept away never to be seen again  
it's a gamble  
you're destined to lose

 _no fear,_  
they say,  
looking you in the eye  
but never once seeing your soul

\- wordsturnintostories -  
october 23, 2018


	13. Chapter 13

i hurt myself  
before i can even heal  
too fast  
too much  
no time, just hurt

oh, how pathetic i must sound  
that i force myself  
to write it all down  
the hidden pain  
i never share

how pathetic my screams  
one for each day;  
that i’m stuck in this cycle  
you don’t hear them  
you don’t react  
to you, it must sound  
like one scream  
and ninety-nine echoes  
yes, every day  
i’m a little weaker  
a little more distressed  
until i can only  
release my words on paper

years pass  
and i’m still stuck in this place  
what is it  
i don’t know  
i can’t see  
like someone made me glasses  
without the glass  
the effort was there  
a frame had been built  
but the maker couldn’t stay  
to put in the glasses  
to fulfill his work

that’s how i live  
a little broken  
a little joyful  
a little two-faced  
two-hearted, maybe  
at least i live  
at least there’s time  
to find out if this is living  
or just not dying

_\- march 8 -_


End file.
